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for a long time of my life i have been holding this belief that, for every good thing that happens to me, there needs to be an equal bad thing right after to cancel it out. even if ultimately that thought is abolute bullshit, i always had "proof". whenever something happened where i was incredibly happy, something awful happened that would not ruin my mood per se but definitely bring it back down to neutral. an example could be last summer at the csd, which was my first and immediately after i got hatecrimed. with fists. in my face. by a transphobe. until i was on the floor.

this belief for a long time fueled my anxiety to an extreme. it sometimes went so far that i actively tried to be not happy and avoid good things because i thought that would in turn avoid the misery. and im trying to unlearn that.

and while i made some progress, there is still this large underlying anxiety that if i enjoy myself too much itll come back to haunt me. especially now. see, this years summer was absolutely amazing, and while after each up there was a bit of a down it wasnt any of that really bad stuff. im still overjoyed and nothing can compare to meeting my favorite youtuber, experiencing a great community, seeing my favorite band live and just generally the entire day of the mcr concert was beyond amazing and lucky and perfect. hell i even finally met some of my online friends and made many new friends too. and getting sick, having some anxiety attacks and breakdowns or getting food poisoning anf thorwing up into the toilet at 2 am still wont be able to even match the sheer luck and happiness of these past events.

yet im still afraid that a big bad WILL come soon. especially with the next 2 upcoming events: christopher street day and the imagine dragons concert in mönchengladbach. last csd was a horrendous experience with transphobes and im afraid such a thing will happen again. understandably. on top of that for the other concert im staying at my fathers place for the night, as he lives pretty close to the venue, and hes.... not the best person. quite the opposite actually. he made my life hell for a large portion of my life and continues to do so every time i meet him.

i just hope nothing happens to ruin my summer. even when my brain wants to convince me that it definitely will happen. i already planned everything to avoid it. this summer will be perfect and i wont let my stupid mental illnesses ruin it. i have made such great experiences, and fuck even if something happens, its not gonna outweigh the good things. i wont let it.